(But for real though)
It was 500 pages, 112 plus words of love, created and scrivener and sent off to my awesome beta readers. My friends were hype and I appreciate their unwavering support. But I wasn't excited.
I worked on the book for six months straight, outline to edits. I woke up and wrote. I went to work. I came home and wrote. I went to sleep and woke up and wrote. If I wasn't writing, I was taking notes, making sketches, thinking about it, dreaming about it. For five months my novel consumed my free time. Then I finished it.
You know?
When I created a PDF of the project, I was stuck between sadness and awe. But I wasn't happy and I wasn't excited. I felt lost and empty.
(Not exaggerating)
To put this in perspective--I have a life.
I have a girlfriend, I have friends, I did other things when I wasn't writing (occasionally) and I also have other hobbies. But my book brought me unthinkable joy. It was the first Epic Fantasy I'd ever written (I used to be big on Urban Fantasy) and I learned so much about myself while I was writing it.
I learned I LOVE world building. It's like a drug. I learned I love long stories. I learned I have an impressive imagination. And I learned just how thirsty I was for some QPOC in a "traditional" fantasy story.
Y'all, this experience was REAL.
(I might've seen Jebus)
And then it was over.
I've never felt like this when finishing a book. I'm usually excited to start querying. (And I still am). But a part of me was a little sad the ride was over. A part of me was ready to start outlining my next book. I made myself go out and have a drink. But I didn't really want to. I wanted to wrap myself back in writing. I wanted to make sure I was "busy". Querying is hard. It's scary. It is LAME. and for me querying is a sign that things are really done. I've done all I can and it's time to send things out into the world. It's kinda like when Wilson left Chuck because he realized he didn't need him anymore. He was returning to civilization.
(No shade, though. ( -_') )
And so there this novel was, teaching me another thing about myself that I didn't know. I really love writing.
That sounds silly.
But I think prior to this I was writing with the goal of getting published. I may have written this last novel just because I enjoyed writing it. I think that showed. And when I was done, I missed the world and the characters and the excitement of build up. I wanted it again, so I began another book. But the end of the novel wasn't a milestone for me. Finishing the novel wasn't a great accomplishment. It marked the end of a happy thing.
I don't know y'all. I might have attachment issues.
